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  “I won’t see you die at all,” I argued, seeing Von inching toward Mariang from behind. “I need her finger, Danny.”

  “Give me more time to fix her. I just need more time.”

  “She won’t give you more time! Don’t you get that? You’re going to die in here if we don’t get you out.”

  Mariang moved from floating in the entryway to standing in front of us, towering over us with her diminutive form, arms akimbo. “Danny’s not going anywhere. You want a finger?” She reached down and grabbed his cast aside shirt, using it to shield her hand from the silver as she bent to pick up my knife. “I’ll give you a finger.”

  She turned on a dime and whirled on Von, slashing him across the chest and ignoring my scream. Then she jerked Danny forward with such surprising strength, I couldn’t make sense of it all. She dragged Danny so he was face-down on the floor, flattened his hand to the ground and brought the knife down hard on his pinky finger.

  I’m not sure whose howls were louder – the three of us were all losing our minds. Mariang smiled darkly as she tossed Danny’s pinky finger at me, smacking me in the cheek with it. Disgust and horror rang through my body. Without a doubt, I knew that no matter how much time we gave Danny, he would never be able to reason with the unstable spirit he’d brought back. My heart broke for Danny. He’d given up everything to save her, and now he was donating his own body parts to the cause.

  It was enough.

  Though Von was injured, something ferocious rallied in him at the sight of his little brother so thoroughly destroyed. He ignored his bleeding chest and lunged for Mariang, tackling her to the ground.

  I rolled Danny’s little finger in the hem of the forgotten shirt next to my balisong blade, and ran to Danny’s side, using the filthy material to stem the bleeding from his hand. He yelled his agony into the floor, not paying attention to my pat down. I shoved my hand into the front pocket of his jeans and pulled out a plastic bag with a zip seal. I didn’t need any light to tell me I’d found Mariang’s rotting finger.

  “Von, the lighter!” I shouted into the chaos.

  Von was wrestling the dainty Mariang on the floor – and losing. I tossed my conscience aside completely and ran over to the fray, catching her jaw with my boot. “I’m sorry!” I cried as my sweet ballerina went flying backwards. “Von, the lighter!”

  Von’s hands were unsteady as he fumbled in the pocket of his jeans for the gold rectangle we needed to end the madness. I ran to Danny to act as sentry for my brother and flipped open the lighter, clicking up the flame. The dancing yellow and white heat clung to the plastic. I rested the carnage on the floor, lighting all four corners of the bag in hopes it would burn before Mariang could rally.

  Von stood to his feet, tears in his eyes and a knife in his hand. “I love you, little sister. It’s time to rest now.” He shot forward, but she was ready, throwing him off of her as if he was merely the family pet – nothing more than a nuisance. She hissed at the small nick Von’s silver blade had managed to cut into her arm.

  I silently urged the flame on, holding the lighter to the finger through the plastic to speed things along.

  Mariang screeched, and the sound had a metallic bite to it as she flew at Von.

  I saw the fear in his eyes that was mingled with agony at having to play such an instrumental role in his sister’s ending. I saw the unending craze of malice in her expression as her fingers wrapped around his neck, choking the man I loved above all others.

  “No!” I didn’t think it through; I simply acted. With my balisong blade clutched in my hand, I charged Mariang, wrapping my arm around her throat and jerking her backward. Finn’s blade protected me once more – his love for me extending well past his shortened lifespan. I sacrificed what was left of my youth and plunged the dagger into Mariang’s heart through her back.

  I closed my eyes as my bearings and my soul crumbled at Mariang’s dainty cry. It sounded too human, too distressed. I would’ve done anything to save her if she was actually alive. I realized that no matter what distractions and barriers separated me from Von, I had no limits when it came to him. I would stab my sister in the back if it would help him breathe easier.

  I was the worst kind of person.

  I stumbled back in horror at what I’d done, dropping the knife to the floor with a clatter as I ran out the door. I didn’t know how far I had to go to outrun myself, but I knew I couldn’t face my actions.

  So I ran, leaving Von to clean up my mess as Mariang’s severed finger burned away.

  Forty.

  Checking in and Checking Out

  Danny had lost too much blood by the time Von dragged his brother to the car, found his severed finger and located me four blocks away. He’d tried to coax me into the car with assurances that it wasn’t my fault, that I’d saved his life and Danny’s. The ticket that finally worked was when he said that Danny might not make it to the hospital, that he needed a nurse to keep him stable.

  I held an unconscious Danny upright in the backseat of the car, bracing myself on the door when Von drove through the streets like a maniac to the nearest hospital. I helped Von get his besotted brother into a wheelchair and checked him in.

  Then something happened to me. Something valuable and precious to my sanity shattered in my psyche. I snapped as I handed over Danny’s severed finger that was wrapped in the bloodied shirt. My ears felt like they had cotton inside them, and my mouth went dry. My legs didn’t have a thought to them when I started walking. My feet moved on autopilot as I walked unblinking out of the emergency room and out into the parking lot. Von was tending to Danny and answering the doctors’ questions as I ambled toward the main street, moving along the side of the road that led to the freeway. Slowly my legs climbed up the embankment toward the steady flow of post rush hour traffic.

  I’d lost Finn, and now I’d murdered Mariang. There was no glossing over that one, as everyone tried to do with Finn’s death at my hands. I’d stabbed my sister, who had only ever loved me in her shortened life.

  My feet dragged along the pebbled ground as I walked along the freeway, in the throes of shock. I couldn’t blink or think beyond putting one foot in front of the other. The steady forward motion was all I could do, and I had no idea why I was even doing it. Like the numbed souls in Terraway who made their pilgrimage to Sombi, I was dead inside. I wanted to go to Von, and though part of me knew he was back at the hospital, I moved forward, as if he was somehow ahead of me.

  I tripped on a crack in the pavement and pitched forward. The pain of smacking my hands and knees on the ground ricocheted up my limbs. Still it did nothing to bring me back to sanity. I picked myself up and moved forward, ignoring the trickle of blood that slowly oozed from my left kneecap. I couldn’t bring myself to care about the spots of red that wept from the heel of my hand down through my filthy fingers.

  I wasn’t sure where I was going; I only knew I couldn’t go back to the person I’d once been.

  I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG I walked before a car pulled to the side of the road ahead of me, blocking my steady path. Von got out and charged at me, his face a mix of worry and fury. “October! What are you doing out here? Are you so desperate to run out on me that you’d hitchhike home? Are you completely mental?”

  Von was livid, but I didn’t feel myself rise up in defense. In fact, I didn’t feel anything. Von ran to me, angry and afraid, but I had no emotional response to his pain. I’d somehow finally reached some sort of pain maximum, and was numb to it all. Mariang, Finn, September, Bishop, Bev – all of it was white noise, blurring my vision and keeping me from processing the rant Von was spewing at me.

  “I had to call Judge – Judge! I phoned that tosser to get him to use the tracker on your cell to find you.” Von jerked my chin up, snapping his fingers in front of my vision, his eyes widening. “Can you hear me at all?”

  I could hear him, but it made no difference. Everyone was still dead. Allie was still in a coma. I’d slept with the king of all the bad
guys. I was dirty. I was filthy.

  I was trash, as I’d always suspected.

  My feet left the ground, and I was carried past the rushing cars who all had better things to do that morning. Von buckled me into the car, holding my hand as he chanted panicked oaths of loyalty over and over that I couldn’t hear, and couldn’t feel.

  Suddenly we were back at the hospital, and I was put onto a gurney next to Danny, who looked more dead than alive.

  He was wheeled away, I’m guessing to sew his finger back on, and I was left staring at the ceiling. “I have to go with Danny, but I can’t leave you to wander off.” He looked torn, and at the utter end of his rope. “Forgive me, love, but you need to go to sleep. I’ll be back for you just as soon as Danny’s out of surgery.”

  I knew I was looking straight into his face, his one golden eye and one blue eye taking in my blank expression with unswerving devotion. I guessed he was waiting for me to say something, but there were no words.

  “Go to sleep, darling.” Von placed his hand on mine and pressed his lips to my forehead. I felt the gentle waves of pulling relax my limbs, melting me to the thin mattress and taking me away from the coldness of my world.

  Forty-One.

  Waking up to Home

  I awoke in the mansion, blinking up at the ceiling in confusion. I didn’t know how I’d gotten there, or even when I’d been driven home. I didn’t know what day it was, or anything that might clue me in to the shifting life I somehow still had ownership of. I turned my head and saw Levi sitting in a chair at the side of my bed, his head bowed. Mason was next to him, his eyes closed and his hands folded over his lap.

  My limbs ached and creaked like the Tin Man as I sat up on my elbows, frowning at the too many questions that didn’t have solid answers. “Levi?” I whispered, unsure if I was allowed to call him by his first name, or if he preferred Sandy or Dad.

  Levi’s head shot up, and in the next breath, he was standing, bent over me to help me sit upright against the headboard. “You’re awake? You’re finally awake?” He slapped Mason across the stomach, jerking him to consciousness. “October’s awake.”

  Mason was at my other side in the next instant, pressing a glass of water to my lips. After I took a few sips, he set the glass on the nightstand. Mason’s arms wrapped around me a cocoon of the safest love. I breathed in and out, inhaling the safety I never wanted to live another second without. “Don’t do that ever again. I don’t know if Von pulled too hard or if you were just that far gone, but you’re not allowed to check out like that.”

  “How long was I out?”

  “Two days,” Levi informed me, taking in my pallor and feeling my forehead. “I’ll get you some juice.” Levi jabbed a finger at Mason. “I’ll go get Von and Ezra. Don’t let her fall asleep again, son. I mean it. No pulling at all.”

  “Yes, sir.” Mason waited until Levi was gone before he slid into the bed next to me. He sat against the headboard, scooping me to him so I could lean my head in the crook of his shoulder. He sighed contentedly, as if the separation had been painful. I knew that desire well. “That’s much better. I didn’t feel right lying in bed with you with your father in the room. I’m having a hard time getting a read on that guy.”

  “Me too.”

  “You scared me. We couldn’t wake you up. If it wasn’t for you talking in your sleep, I would’ve thought you’d slipped back into your coma.”

  “Talking in my sleep? Did I say anything awesome? Solve world hunger? Lay out plans to patch that pesky old hole in the ozone layer?”

  Mason chuckled, and the sound warmed us both, cuddling us closer together. “You weren’t all that eloquent. Mostly just called out for Ollie, Allie and Bruce Campbell. Screamed for me and Von a few times, like you were afraid someone was hurting us. You had a few nightmares that sounded decently graphic. You cried for Judge a few times, begged him not to leave you. Ripped my heart right out.”

  I tangled my fingers in his shirt over his chest. “I don’t want to know any more. I don’t remember them, so I’m counting that as a good thing.”

  “Maybe that’s best.” Mason squeezed me, kissing my forehead before tucking my head under his chin. “Lang built you another porch swing. It’s for the mansion, to match the one at your house. When you’re feeling better, we can go sit in it. Built it with his own hands.”

  “Aw, really? He didn’t have to do that. He’s got a whole kingdom to worry about now.”

  “Yes, well, Kabayo and Lang stopped by more than a few times to check on you while you were out. They love you, kid.”

  I snuggled into Mason, indulging in his patchouli scent. “I love them, too.”

  I could feel Mason’s body radiating with pride and affection when he squeezed me again. “You did it, hani. Danny’s home safe. Recovering, though who knows how long that’ll take.”

  “Were they able to reattach his finger?”

  “They were. Though it’ll take some time before it’s even a little functional.”

  “I’ll take what I can get.” I huddled closer in his nook, wishing anyone or anything in my life was big enough, strong enough to keep me safe.

  “Do you want to talk about Mariang?”

  “No. I don’t even want to think about that. It was too terrible. Too brutal. I didn’t know I was capable of that. Scares me a little that I could just... No, I don’t need to talk about it.”

  Mason kissed my forehead again and thumbed my hip that his arm was wrapped around. “What about Finn? You ready to talk about that?”

  “I’ll never want to talk about that. Not ever.”

  “I’m not Von, you know. You can tell me things. Private things about the men in your life. It won’t send me over the edge.”

  I mulled this over, reasoning that he was probably right, but it was still too soon. “You’re a good man.”

  He leaned down and pressed a closed-mouth kiss to my lips, a lazy smile coming over his unshaven features. “I’m your good man, so stop running out on me. I could’ve helped you with Sama. I could’ve taken you there.”

  “But then you’d be dead, and I couldn’t live with that.” I tapped my heart to let him know where his home truly was. “I love you too much to risk you like that.”

  Mason looked like he wanted to protest, to make a new case for his point that we were tied by unbreakable bonds I should’ve trusted, but he kept his mouth shut. “I love you, too. And I know how much you cared for Finn.”

  “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”

  The door opened, and Mason shot up from the bed to stand at attention, but then relaxed when he saw it was only Von coming in with Anastasia tucked in his arms. “Oh, I thought you were Levi.” He sat back down in the bed, his arm draping around me as Von leaned down to kiss my cheek.

  “You alright, love? Had enough beauty sleep? You know, I think I’m going to schedule a bout of shock so I can sleep for a solid forty-eight hours. Brilliant plan, that.”

  “You know me, always laying down on the job. Can I hold her?”

  “Please. She only sleeps for us and Mum. Even Ollie’s losing his touch.”

  I glanced over at Mason. “You alright, wolf boy? You’re not going to go all Matruculan and Hulk out on me, are you?”

  “Nah. She’s well over a month old. My stomach barely even growls anymore when she’s near.”

  “I love you and your totally gross ways,” I commented, taking Anastasia from Von. I cradled her in my arms so he could sit in the bed on my other side. “No way is she this big. I mean, I know your mama’s had her since we got back from the funeral and came here, but it’s only been, what, a few weeks since I’ve seen her? That can’t be right. She’s giant!”

  “Giant and taking a bottle from Ezra now. Took some coaxing, but we tried the spit trick, and it worked like a charm.”

  “Spit trick? Tell me that’s not something to do with actually spitting on my niece.” I nuzzled my cheek to hers, taking in the inherent baby smell that made me think
of pink bubblegum and fresh linen.

  “Yeah, you know. You spit on your thumb, rub it on the baby’s belly, and they don’t resist you as much. ‘As much’ is the key there. She’s still got a lot to say about the state of the union when she gets riled up.”

  My nose crinkled. “What the crap kind of baby book have you been reading? That’s not a thing.”

  Von chuckled, leaning his head back on the headboard. “It is in Terraway. I had to do it with the twins when Mum went back to work and they were still babies. They wouldn’t take a bottle from me at first, but after the spit trick, they calmed down.”

  “I’m not going to comment on the ridiculousness of that, or the total lack of medical backing for it.”

  “That’s probably best. I’m much smarter than you. It’s such a chore having to constantly prove it.”

  I reared back, nearly raising my voice in indignation, but catching myself just in time so I didn’t disturb Ana. “What? Oh, man. You’ve gone crazy on me. You finally cracked.”

  Von grinned, his smile tired as he rested his temple to mine. The three of us admired Ana for the princess she was. Mason even managed to cup her tiny head in his massive mitt without his stomach rumbling.

  “I think we should be boring for a while,” I announced. I was riding the high of feeling surrounded by love and acceptance. Even when I fell apart, they were there. Mason and Von didn’t judge me, didn’t run from my crazy, and didn’t turn on me even when I pushed them away. “We’ve had too much adventure and not enough television.”

  Mason pulled up the covers and straightened them over our laps. “I’ve been missing this bed. Never thought I’d get used to sleeping with two other people, but now I can’t seem to relax without you.”

  Von blew Mason a kiss over my head. “I knew you were hot for me. Can’t say I blame you.” Von handed me the remote for the TV. “Pick something without a love story in it. I can’t take anymore drama.”