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  I gusted out my relief. “Thank you. That’s all I needed.” I took a drink of my wine before gearing up for the big blow. “So, what’s this going to cost me?”

  Darius waved off my assumption that they only did favors to get favors, but I knew better.

  Judge drew a circle on the white linen tablecloth with his dark brown finger. “You’ll let my men put a tracker on your car, and you’ll keep it there until I say so. I’ll send you a phone tomorrow that you’ll use instead of the one you have now.”

  I nodded, taking my punishment without a fight. I knew Judge. I knew him before he was the great man on a throne. I knew him when his mama taught me how to make applesauce in her kitchen. I knew him when I’d caught him washing blood off his hands with the garden hose behind his house. He’d been a teenager back then, and I was barely five. “You told me it was paint,” I said quietly, finally meeting Judge’s penetrating stare.

  Judge quirked an eyebrow at me, letting me know my comment had caught him off-guard. “What was paint?”

  “When I saw you washing the blood off your hands behind Mama McCray’s house. You told me to go back inside with Darius and Ollie. You told me you’d spilled red paint. I knew what it was, but I never told anyone.” I held his gaze, unable to hide my sadness. “Maybe I should’ve.”

  “It wouldn’t have changed anything. And I told you that to protect you, not so you’d end up here with a black eye.” His jaw tightened every time his gaze fell on my shiner.

  I hugged my middle, forlorn and completely without the pride that I’d needed so badly before this moment. “I’ve spilled a lot of paint lately. Don’t bring more of it to my doorstep. I’m begging you.”

  Judge stood slowly, and with too much menace. “You’re begging me?”

  I paused at the acrid medicine that I wanted to resist. I had no choice but to swallow it down with a wince. “Yes, Judge.”

  “Are you a beggar now? That’s who you’ve become?” He held my gaze as he motioned for me to move toward the back exit with him. Darius remained in his seat, turning his head from me.

  I knew that exit let out into the alley. That was Judge’s alley, and there was red paint all over it from years of taking too many meetings exactly like this one. I swallowed hard and followed him, my head down and my shoulders tight. Judge wouldn’t hurt me, I told myself, forcing truth into my fear. I don’t know why my hands were clammy. I don’t know why my legs were trembling as I looked down at my shoes when we made it out into the crisp night air. I saw cars breaking the speed limit on the street at the end of the long alley. The drivers spent a good few seconds honking at each other to fight over who could be the biggest jackwagon on the road. The brick buildings that sandwiched us in made me feel claustrophobic. I could smell urine, and there were several fresh blood stains on the concrete.

  Finn stood beside me, keeping silent, but making it clear that no one was going to hoist my lifeless body into the dumpster on his watch. It’s a good friend who doesn’t let you get thrown away. Big Mike stood behind Judge, waiting for the command to let loose on me.

  I shifted hesitantly as I stood before Judge, hugging my middle and trying to simply stand under his intense brand of scrutiny. He’d always been able to see through my raised chin and forced confidence, so I didn’t feel the need to put on the show of bravery this time.

  Finn hissed when Judge tucked his finger under my chin and lifted it so he could see my shame under the solitary light of the moon. His dark eyes were hard, angry and menacing. His voice was low, and he spoke through gritted teeth. “I don’t ever want to hear you beg for anything ever again. Do you understand? You’ll break what’s left of me. I raised you better than begging.” He kissed my cheek and brought me into his embrace. Judge was tall, solid and hugged exactly as one might expect – like a man who didn’t do it often. He didn’t use to be this unpracticed at it; his arms used to be my safe place. One by one, life had ripped my safe places away, until I barely recognized the bones of a structure that used to feel like home.

  “What is this? What’s happening?” I asked, confused and rigid.

  Finn stiffened, his hand on my shoulder to rip me away if the need arose.

  Judge snarled at Finn, but kept his voice low to me. “This is a hug, and it’s all that’s keeping me from yelling at you, and turning your friend’s hand into an ashtray.” It took him a solid four seconds after Finn removed his hand from me before the embrace softened into something tender. The familiar motion of holding me came back to him the longer he permitted himself the indulgence. “The trackers are so I know where you’re at. I saw your house. You were attacked, lost a baby, and you’re still getting knocked around. The trackers are because I love you. If things had been different... You were a sister to me before things started changing in my neighborhood. I turned you guys away that last time Ollie brought you by because it was too dangerous for you to come to my street anymore. The trailer next to ours had been lit up in a drive-by the night before. All I could see was your little body splayed out on the concrete. I knew I couldn’t let you come back.” He shook his head, as if he was trying to clear his imagination of the mental picture that still haunted him. “I’ve always been looking out for you. You just stopped learning how to let me.”

  I remembered that last day we visited the McCray house. It was burned in my mind as the last time I’d been able to see Mama McCray. Judge had told Ollie to get lost, that there was no more food for housework available, and that if he saw us again on his property, he’d make sure no one saw me ever again. I couldn’t help the confusion in my eyes that shone up into his. “I didn’t understand how you could let us starve like that. I still don’t.”

  The catch in his voice tripped up his usually stoic deportment. “You should know me better by now. There’s always more to me than what I say. I sent you away because you’re precious to me.” He kissed my forehead, and I could feel the regret and emotional turmoil that still wrecked him.

  My hand climbed up between us so I could hold onto his crisp, unwrinkled shirt, keeping him close before he inevitably pushed me away again. The information swirled around in my psyche, spinning my worldview on its end, and painting Judge in a less damning light. It wasn’t quite a halo that beamed on his brow now, but it was a degree of difference I desperately needed. Part of me probably could’ve worked out his true intentions, but the hurt rang deeper than reason could reach. “You should’ve told me the truth, Judge. You broke my heart.”

  I could feel Finn’s penetrating glare. It was as if he was dissecting how Judge got me to admit I had a heart, and then got close enough to break it, while still managing a hug out of the deal. I had no answers for him; Judge and I made little sense to anyone, least of all me.

  “I had to push you out, baby girl. Just like how you’re breaking my heart now, giving me the bare minimum information. You’re keeping me away from whatever danger you’re up against, because you love me. No matter how much you hate me, you’re trying to protect my family by keeping us at arm’s length.” He held tight to my hand, placing an earnest kiss to my knuckles. “You don’t have to do that for me, baby girl.”

  I gazed up into his midnight eyes that always seemed to see right through me. “I’m scared,” I admitted in a whisper. “I’m trying to fix it all, but it keeps breaking the more I touch it. Everything I love gets broken.”

  Judge leaned down and pressed his cheek to mine, and I could hear the vulnerable pang of emotion in his lengthy inhale. His free hand rubbed my back to warm the parts of me that had grown cold over time. He cleared his throat when a car alarm went off down the street. “The phone’s so you can call me if there’s too much red paint, and you don’t know what to do.”

  I was confused that he wasn’t lording his newfound power over me. “Be real with me, Judge. What do you want for this? I’d rather know now.”

  Judge swayed gently, rocking me slowly from side to side as he pondered. The cars cruising by on the street at the end of the
alley didn’t notice my heart thudding, but it felt like the organ rattled around in my chest with all the subtlety of a gong. Judge’s embrace invoked nostalgia that was painful; I tried never to remember how much I’d once trusted him; how much I’d adored Judge back when I was a child who didn’t know any better. “You used to dance while standing on my toes. You probably don’t remember that, but I do. You wanted to learn how to ‘waltz and mango’. Took me forever to learn the waltz and the tango, but Allie taught me the basics enough to dance with you. Patience of a saint, that girl.”

  A soft smile played on my lips. “‘Waltz and mango’? Dang, I don’t know how you ever said no to me. That’s adorable.”

  “It was.” He surprised me when his body straightened, his shoulders rolled back, and he held my arm out to the side. Without knowing how, I fell into a slow, three-count box step when his right foot moved with purpose. I glided back when Judge stepped forward, and parried with his steps without having to look down. His grin was wide when he took in my stunned expression. Something inside of me knew how to dance, as if my heart had suppressed a memory my muscles still clung to. “See? Part of you remembers. From day one, you had me dancing like a fool, just to make sure you smiled. It kills me to see all my hard work flushed down the drain. You don’t look like you’ve been happy in a while.”

  Finn cleared his throat, bringing me back to the present from my haze of childhood bliss. “Let’s wrap this up, October.”

  I lost my footing, and stopped the dance. I expected Judge to release me from the hold, but he fell back into the soothing hug I didn’t want to admit I still needed. He drew my head to his chest, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did still have a heart, jaded as it now was. His voice was quiet, but had that steady power to it that warned me not to argue. “I want you to call me every time you go back to the prison. If you’re going there, you’ll deliver messages for me, and you’ll do it without a fight until Allie wakes up.”

  I swallowed the bitter pill. “Okay. If I’m already going there, sure.”

  “Second on the list is that if we need a nurse, you’ll come when we call.”

  Finn shook his head. “No. You negotiate one favor for one favor, not an endless litany of requests.”

  I stiffened in Judge’s arms. “I can help you and Darius, sure. And of course, Terence, once he gets paroled. But I have no interest in cleaning your victims up so you can drag out the fun. Not enough gauze in the world for the sadist I know you are.”

  The corner of Judge’s mouth lifted. “See that? You’re being stubborn again. I thought I’d lost you forever.”

  I shrugged. “I guess I’m still in here. Good to know. It’s been a long one.”

  “The most I’ve ever enjoyed fighting with anyone’s been with you. Watching you surrender like that? That’s not the scrappy little kid in pigtails I knew. If you need help, we can help. But I don’t have the stomach to watch you beg for anything ever again. I’ve seen what happens to people who waste their time begging instead of planning.” He clutched me tight to his firm chest. Though he seemed in control of the situation, I could feel his quickened heartbeat. I couldn’t trust his words, but his heart? Judge was scared for me. Judge didn’t do scared, but he bent his armor for me. He looked down on me with a tightened jaw. “Promise me. No more begging.”

  My face tilted upward to look into his dark, foreboding eyes. “The next time I need help, I won’t beg. I’ll hold your head underwater until you give me what I want, like the good little girl you love.”

  Judge laughed, and the levity finally touched his eyes. “That’s my girl, right there. You’re right. I do love you.”

  Judge kissed my good cheek and then gripped me so tight, it squashed the air from my lungs. I yelped when he gave my bruised eye several hard flicks. Pain ricocheted through my face, and I panicked when I found I couldn’t get away from it. His backhand didn’t have space for a windup, but the smack stung me on too many levels when his knuckles cracked across my purple cheekbone. I cried out in confusion and pain, wondering how I’d gotten so comfortable in the viper’s arms.

  Finn could only be expected to be decoration for so long. He ripped me out of Judge’s embrace, drawing his knife as he put himself between us. “And now you die.”

  Big Mike drew his gun, and I knew no good would come from this. I held up my hand to still Finn’s temper, my fingers touching his fingers over the hilt of his blade. “No, Finn! I’ve got this under control. Please.”

  Finn glowered down at me. “Clearly. Wrap this up, before I lose my patience. You stand right next to me, and don’t take a step closer. He touches you again, he loses a hand.”

  With angry swipes, I rubbed my face as I turned to Judge. “Ow! What’d you do that for? That hurt me, you jag!”

  Judge reached for his gun to fend off Finn’s temper. I inched between the two alphas, hoping for the best when Big Mike finally lowered his gun on Judge’s command. Judge held his weapon at his side, but I knew he could aim and fire without warning. His voice was clear, and not apologetic, as I thought he should be. “Whatever you’re a part of that’s wrecking your life? You should get out now. Remember that sting from me smacking your eye, and get as far away from it as you can. Anything that bangs you up, run the other way.”

  I scowled at him. “That’s not the advice you’d give Darius. You only bring him closer to the danger.”

  Judge shrugged, letting me know that he didn’t need to explain himself any further. “Goodnight, baby girl. I’ll be in touch.”

  Thirty-Three.

  Beaten Down and Tired

  Though it had been a full two days since I’d left the mansion, I hadn’t slept. Ezra finally deemed it safe for me to return to the mansion, and I couldn’t get there fast enough. I felt unanchored, ungrounded and totally out of my skin. I’d gone to the McCray brothers for help. Clearly, I was off my rocker.

  “Ezra?” I called through the vast home. When he didn’t answer right away, I panicked. I ran through the main floor of the mansion, scared that while I’d been gone, someone had ripped my lifeline away. “Ezra!”

  The hurried footsteps pounded up the steps from the basement, and Ezra met me in a borderline violent hug we both needed. “I’m here. I’m sorry, dear. I was cleaning up the basement. Are you alright?” He winced when he took in my face. “Oh, it’s quite purple now. Do you need some ice?”

  “I’m fine. I barely feel it.”

  Finn guffawed from the doorway. “She’s lying, I hope you know. She’s lying and she’s crazy. I don’t have it in me to tell you what kind of company your daughter keeps.” Finn was exhausted from staying up with me to make sure I didn’t fall asleep. “If everything’s set here, I’m heading back to Dagat. Is Mason back yet?”

  Ezra shook his head. “No. No word from him, either. But go on home and rest, Captain. I’ll handle the Omens and Reapers from here. Thank you for helping us.”

  Finn nodded, and cast me a tired smile, jerking his chin to the door so we could say goodbye without my father’s watchful eye. “We did it,” he said quietly. “We made it through that whole time together without kissing. I think this means we’re actually friends.”

  I nodded, covering my mouth to stifle a yawn. “You only get to kiss one Omen per weekend, and I guess it was Mariang’s turn.” I giggled deviously at his wide, mischievous grin. “I’m teasing you. We totally did it. I feel like we climbed a hurdle or something. Look at us – two grownups. Thanks for being cool. I wasn’t doing so hot. You being good to me? It really helped. And thanks for not stabbing Judge.”

  Finn’s smile dropped into a frown of dismay. “I thought when we got to this point, I wouldn’t still want you, but I do.” He tapped his heart, as if the steady organ pained him with its betrayal. “How do I make it stop feeling like this? You’ve had a free will and a shiny conscience longer than I have.”

  My hopeful smile at our budding friendship fell into disrepair. “It might feel like that for a little while long
er. It’s my fault. I clung too hard in the pool. I see something safe, and I squeeze too tight. It’s my perpetual downfall, and I’m sorry I clung too hard to you. It’s unfair, what I’ve done.” I shook my head at myself. “That pain in your chest? I did that. It’s my conscience that was defunct in all of it. I can do better the next time I see you.”

  “So, the goal is for me to stop loving you?” His face twisted into a grimace. “How is that better?”

  “Maybe it’s not, but it’s necessary.” I let Finn kiss my unmarked cheek, his lips lingering on my skin to feel the heat that rose at his touch. I stepped back, trying to be firm with both of us. “I’ll see you at the next council meeting. Thanks for keeping me safe.”

  Finn’s eyes bathed me in too much tenderness. “Don’t you know? ‘If you live, then I breathe.’” Before I could respond, Finn up and vanished into thin air.

  That’s right. I made it through a whole weekend with him and didn’t kiss him once. I rock at self-control now. Like, I rock with rocks that rock.

  I’m so freaking tired.

  I wandered into the kitchen, where Ezra was waiting with a tightness to his posture. “Von?” I inquired. “He’s back to normal?”

  “He’s himself again, though slightly less so. The process of undoing what Sama did to him was quite grueling. You might want to save the important talks for tomorrow. He’s quite under the weather.”

  “Okay. Thanks, Dad. I’m safe up there with him?”

  “I daresay Von’s the safest man in the world for you to be around right now. He’s quite beside himself with what he did while he was being controlled.” Ezra’s hand on my back directed me toward the stairs. “Von’s in your room washing up.”

  “You alright? You look pretty beat yourself.”

  Ezra nodded, the bags under his eyes showing off his exhaustion that matched mine. I wondered when the last time he’d slept was. “Take it easy with Von, darling. See if you can get him to eat, and then the two of you get some rest.”